REVIEW: Holmes & Watson

May I remind you that 2018 has seen the release of two separate Sherlock Holmes movies and the best one was called Sherlock Gnomes

So Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson unite to catch a kil… you know what, screw it. Screw summarising this movie or putting any effort into this review. The so-called “filmmakers” behind Holmes & Watson obviously didn’t care enough about their own work, so WHY THE HELL SHOULD I? Holmes & Watson may just be the worst feature I have witnessed in 2018 cinema, period.

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(Giles Keyte/ Sony, 2018)

Back in April 2018, I saw a movie called Truth or Dare?. I loathed that movie and considered it one of the worst movies I had ever seen – not just in 2018, but in my lifetime, in general. And so after I saw Holmes & Watson, I’ll say this: I honestly believed Holmes & Watson to be a worse movie than Truth or Dare? by far.

I— I— I— I just don’t know where to start. I honestly don’t. I could quite easily tear this movie apart, limb from limb, but I just do not have the tenacity to do it. I feel tired – this movie was tiring. And it was not just me; the rest of my cinema audience were just not at all engaged with the movie with several walk outs and people just reverting to chatting amongst one another to spare the time. Holmes & Watson was so incompetent, so unfunny and just so f****** sh*t, I could not really put it into words how badly this movie ended up being.

Holmes & Watson may just have been the epidemy of laziness. Like, if you were to open the dictionary and flip to the definition of the word, “LAZY”, you would see the poster for Holmes & Watson… oh, you thought that joke was cliché and uninspired? Well guess what, that’s what the movie was in general.

Rather than me waste both mine and your time on every detailed point that made Holmes & Watson so painstakingly awful, allow me to just list most of the bits and bobs that made me want to tear my ears off, gauge my eyes out, peel my skin from my skeleton, rip my tongue from out my mouth and slice off my nose, because Holmes & Watson was one of the most violent attacks to the senses in a cinema ever.

So, lets see:

The writing… was sh*t.

The performances… were sh*t.

The direction… was sh*t.

The production… was sh*t.

The narrative… was sh*t.

The score… was sh*t.

The cinematography… was sh*t.

The lighting… was sh*t.

The audio… was sh*t.

The editing… was sh*t.

The comedy… was sh*t.

Nothing – I repeat, nothing – in Holmes & Watson worked. Every joke fell flat and the writing became unbearable at points. Nobody seemed to really care about what they were making – neither the cast nor the crew. I mean, how in the hell did much respected actors like Ralph Fiennes, Kelly Macdonald or even Rebecca Hall manage to stand their ground in this heaving pile of crap. Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly have really took it too far with their dumb a** brand of comedy – I mean, putting on a ridiculous British accent for an entire movie surely is racist. Surely.

Scenes would drag on and on and on and on and on and on and on… JUST LIKE THAT! The way moments were edited together, coupled with an elevator-like score playing out in the background made for some truly flat and unentertaining borefest sequences. I mean, back to the editing, in particular the audio – there were moments where the dialogue did not even match up to the actor’s lips! That’s how incompetent this movie was!

As for when this movie was set – you tell me! There was a sequence in a boxing ring which could have literally just been set in some modern day Hollywood warehouse. At one point, a character pulled out vinyl and played ACTUAL 1980s music on it. I— I— I— again, I’m just speechless.

Holmes & Watson was just embarrassing – a complete and utter disgrace to cinema. In fact, I’m done talking about it. No longer shall I continue my rant over crap that is not even worth the effort. I’m sorry this review was not as in depth as possible, but seriously, what could I have actually extrapolated from Holmes & Watson to honestly make this review sound a bit more interesting? There’s literally nothing.

You know, I heard that apparently Sony, who produced Holmes & Watson, found out the movie was so bad that they tried selling it to Netflix, whom refused to buy it… and just to remind you all, Netflix signed a contract with Adam Sandler to release movies from his critically panned Happy Madison company including Sandy Wexler, The Do-Over and the Rotten Tomatoes 0%er The Ridiculous 6. So yeah, in Netflix’s eyes, Holmes & Watson was a worse idea to distribute than Adam Sandler movies… let that sink in for a second.

So, guess what: I did not like Holmes & Watson. I didn’t hate the movie, because, honestly, I don’t hate anything, but Holmes & Watson had almost no redeeming features, whatsoever. I could not recommend enough to you all to stay as far away from this failed comedy as possible. Holmes & Watson was the biggest sh*tfest of 2018, as, I guess, it really was a shame, that nobody on set, during the making of this movie, ever bothered to realise what exactly they were making and couldn’t even get a clue.

Holmes & Watson, without a doubt in my mind, belongs in the… THEATRE OF DOOM

 

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