Every critic has their own rating system. Most people, sadly, just like to jump straight to the end of a review to see the rating and assess whether or not they should go out of their way to watch the movie or not. It’s an easy, efficient way to basically cut out the middle man and get straight to the chase. And I can understand that… although I would definitely prefer people be polite and read my thoughts and opinions first.
Out of all the rating systems, you have the classic Siskel & Ebert ‘thumbs up/ thumbs down’ approach; the grading system from A to F; the 5 Stars; out of 10s; BEST MOVIE EVER/ WORST MOVIE EVER; and so on and so forth. Now I used to draw from the grading system, going from A to F, because honestly I liked the idea of feeling like a teacher, grading a student’s assignments. However it dawned on me – THAT IS SO BORING!
Yes, the grading system cuts straight to the point and is a sweet, sufficient way to summarise one’s thoughts on a film – but where’s the character in that?! There is a reason the Indiana Jones movies follow Indiana on globe-trotting adventures rather than teaching at the Marshall College. The fact is exploring is just way more enjoyable than passing a couple of 1950s college jocks on their mathematics papers.
So without further ado, I present to you a rating system of my own design. One that fits in well with the overall Indiana Jones theme of this blog. Below you will find a guide to follow how exactly I rate films:
1) Lost Art
The whole reason this blog exists! Lost Art is reserved for the films I believe to be true cinematic masterpieces. To make it into my highest category, these films will have to be close to flawless. However, also, just because a film works on every technical level, that will not be enough; Lost Art pieces have to also resonate with me as a film that was not only perfect but also a cherished and personal cinematic experience. The Lost Art category is the treasure I hunt, so join me as I seek it.
For example; Isle of Dogs is, in fact… LOST ART.
2) A CRUSADE!!
Here we have what I call ‘good’ movies. A CRUSADE!! is typically an adventure – and an adventure is never perfect. You have your ups and you have your downs, but the end result is always a good one. Sometimes A CRUSADE!! could technically be great and miss out on Lost Art status purely for some minor reasons and other times it could just be an enjoyable B-movie. Yet, at the end of the day, the filmmakers present their audience with a ride through and through (… and yes, I know the real definition of the word ‘crusade’, but here, I take it as an adventure – so there).
For example; Thor: Ragnarok is a bloody… CRUSADE!!
3) Kingdom of the Criminally Dull…
Similar to the movie it’s named after, when a film gets a Kingdom of the Criminally Dull… rating, the movie will most likely be a messy, boring or cliche studio product; a picture that may have tried to work, in some capacity, but failed almost certainly. These movies are not terrible, but they are teetering on the middling or satisfactory side of the equation and no where near a Lost Art or A CRUSADE!!. Some of these may be serviceable and some of them people may personally enjoy, but these movies will usually contain no real flavour or character and will undoubtedly become forgotten by audiences almost instantly.
For example; Wonder Wheel sadly belongs in the… KINGDOM OF THE CRIMINALLY DULL…
4) Theatre of DOOM
These movies stink. They stink like crap. Honestly. Worst of the worst; some of them are unbearable and others are just hilarious in their own horrifically bad nature. Theatre of DOOM contains the movies that are hardly redeemable and standout because of their incompetence. You really gotta hate them to love them – I mean, a disaster here is usually better unintentional entertainment than a mediocre product in the Kingdom of the Criminally Dull….
For example; The Emoji Movie, without a doubt in my mind, belongs in the… THEATRE OF DOOM.
So that is how I will be rating all films going forward. Any clarification needed for why I gave one film a Lost Art and another a Theatre of DOOM, just run through these little descriptions to find your footing!
- DenisNata 2018, Countdown Leader Graphic 5 – 0, With Film Burn and Rolling Effect– stock footage, depositphotos, Despositphotos Inc., viewed 27 July 2018, https://depositphotos.com/198382590/stock-video-countdown-leader-graphic-film-burn.html